The recently concluded Cannes film festival gave me a short term diploma in long term fashion. so from a freshly-baked, straight out of the oven certificate; i can dare to blog about it.
firstly, where were the movies? was this a movie festival? oh damn! i seem to have missed that entire bus. poor guys who slogged their butts off filming; collecting funds; bothering with dressing up their leading ladies; bothering to undress their leading ladies in the name of 'Art cinema'. i have no clue who won, who lost. do people even win and loose during this festival. Ahh! Je ne sais pas! Bof! who cares! the leading ladies, ledas and the 'two-bit role' arty actors played a more important role on a piece of old carpet than they did on screen.
the 'poor' celebrities were getting publicly disrobed for what they took 4 hours to put on! i say, why bother putting it on. Every morning, we were witness to investigative journalism, that would put Sherlock Holmes to shame. "What did she wear!?! - a feather gown to hide her bulges or was it a fashion statement?" (the real reason was that the dress was soooo tight while putting on it ripped the seam, so that was the creativity of the poultry chef who was hanging around, ogling at her.) "Why was he dressed in silver?!?! looking like a stuffed turkey-in-foil??" Ahh! ma cherie, you are so passe!!! "Don't you know he was trying to melt his fat through all that insulation?!?!" now that's called dedication, work and work out together!
it also looked like a 'Kumbh mela' in foreign setting. i mean we actually got to see people who are lost on the radar in India. An actress who was last seen making out big time with a snake, decided to declare herself 'the first person to wear a bikineee in hindi movies'. she obviously forgot that far more sexier ladies, before she was even born sported the two piece with panache and set hearts fluttering in the 70s. for those reading this, Helen and Sharmila Tagore rocked the bikineee before this in-your-face-boob-job candidate. why was this twit even on the carpet?!!! who did she have to cavort with this time, to put on that expensive piece of fashion???
some of the celebrities/actors/directors/page 3 daughter-in-laws, don't bother to show themselves on Indian soil because they claim they are enjoying motherhood (another term for 'jobless'). all these noble people they are willing to leave their motherly inhibitions and fat behind to done ridiculous saris and gowns, just to have it all ripped to shreds by the fashion police. Ahh Dahling!! why bother?! go back to your hide out and let your work do the talking. then that crown will definitely suit that pretty face of yours. Then 'you will be worth it'.
so coming back to the movies.... what movies???!!???! Umm... let me pause and at least Google the results coz i for one have no clue! (obviously) OK, so here it is.... <5 later="" mins="">
the most prestigious award, the palm d'or, went to a chick flick called 'Blue is the warmest colour'. its a steamy rom-com about lesbian love!!!! Oh Mon Dieu!!! look what we almost missed!!! it has no-hold-barred 12 minute erotic sex scene between the two leading ladies (sorry leddas). Wow!!! the movies now seem more interesting than the fashion fuzzball.
going through the entire list i noticed that not a single indian movie even made a feathery flutter. so what was all that hulla gulla about?!?! the people who benefited most were the 'designers'! obviously their sales pitch was, 'we dont really design clothes like these - the star's body type was such that i had to hide those indian hips' (after all hips don't lie). the unsuspecting future client goes back home with a disaster round the corner. he can safely kiss his french fanny goodbye coz its getting publicly flogged next year.
as for me, i am shoving that freshly-baked certificate down the loo (no i am not chinese) and going to watch 'Blue is the warmest colour'. that is another blog, another time. Ciao!
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